Ten Top Tips to get a Top Tip
An article for all those saisonaires in Val d'Isère.
Credit's Crunching and Times are Hard so one of the first things to get curtailed on the family's annual ski trip is the chalet totty's tip. So here's ten top tips to ensure that you can still get a top tip at the end of a hard week's work.
For the guys it's an uphill struggle 'cos you're blessed with a Y chromosome. What you lack in the chest department you have to make up for with charisma. This will be hard for some of you but stick with me and you should all end with E cup wallets by the end of it.
1. Don't be a DJ. I know it's difficult but resist the urge to foist your eclectic musical tastes upon your guests. By which I mean: do not play your iPod in the lounge at full volume whilst making dinner - Prodigy/Puccini and pasta do not necessarily mix.
2. Who's the daddy? It ain't you - it's the guy with three kids who's looking stressed but holding the money-clip. Do everything in your power to make his life less difficult than the 4th circle of hell that he's found himself in. Find out those fun family things that don't cost a fortune but do take some of the hassle out of the trip (e.g. Picnic on the Piste).
3. Flirt. Not a lot, and not with him. This is the difficult bit but you need to provide fun without fornication. Wait till he's out of the picture and just ask some polite questions and make some good suggestions - that doesn't mean inviting her back to your bunk-bed but recommending a good masseur/masseuse for a bit of après piste pamperage (and make sure you try it yourself first).
4. Be the King of Cool. This may conjure up images of dancing round the pole in the Danois with a crowd of adoring female fans but for him it's probably best to suggest a quiet cocktail in the Blizzard or Piere, Paul, Jaques.
For the girls it may seem like you've got an easy ride but you've gotta be careful that your wonderbra doesn't make someone's eyes wander too far. That said:
5. Wear make up. Wear lots but wear it well: Charlize Theron in Monster - 'nuff said. And don't dress like an extra from Priscilla Queen of the Desert.
6. Cook like Nigella Lawson. They say the fastest way to a man's heart is through the breast pocket with a bread knife. Hopefully his wallet is so full of euros that you'll only make a small dent in a couple of €50 notes. The second fastest way is through his stomach so make sure your guests are lauding your culinary skills by the end of the week. (And occasionally sucking your finger like Nigella won't hurt a bit.)
7. Flirt. But don't let her see you. Pretend you don't have a boyfriend and pretend it's because you're waiting for Mr. Right as opposed to Mr. Right-Now - we all know you signed away your virtue the moment you signed up as a seasonnaire.
8. Act like Cinderella. She didn't get to go to the ball, and neither did you: let them know how hard you've worked all week and how little skiing you've been able to do. Sympathise with how hard it must be to bring a family on holiday and you'll end up with a Fairy Godmother, a Prince Charming and a hefty tip with which you can buy those fancy Manolo slippers, or at least a couple of Freestylers.
In general it all boils down to two simple rules, and I'm not talking about Matthew 22:36-40.
9. Know the mountain. Nothing is more important in a ski resort than knowing where to ski and when to ski it. Ask questions about their ability and use your knowledge of the pistes to suggest the best places for your guests to go. The best time to do this is breakfast so try not to be too hungover; and if you are then make sure you can fake it or phone a friend for advice.
10. Don't fall at the final fence. 'Twas the night before transfer day and you've just cooked them their Last Supper. Now is not the time to go out and get crucified in Dick's Tea Bar. There's a big risk that you may run into one of your guests at 3 a.m. when you're likely to either say something mildly inappropriate or possibly do something/someone you'll really regret and which is certain to end up in next week's The Insider. Go to the Graal instead and you might not get caught.
Saying goodbye
Nothing is all you need to say
Sometimes you know exactly what you should say to another person. Occasionally what you say can affect a person in an unimaginable way and it can be difficult to find the words that will evoke the best feeling in someone else. Often we feel it's necessary to say anything just to show how much we care and not realise the consequences. And sometimes it's most appropriate to say simply nothing.
I'd just hefted my luggage into the boot of the taxi. A full set of golf clubs in a tired red golf bag lay next to my green school bag. Like so many of the things I had recently taken from that house, I couldn't tell you how long I'd had the golf clubs, nor whence they had come, but the green bag had seen me through five years of trips on the school train, to and from Lancashire, and another three during my trips down to Southampton. Now, like me, it was leaving Gomshall Avenue for the last time.
I opened the passenger door and clambered into the seat next to the driver. I mumbled the words East Croydon Station and relaxed onto the head-rest - not bothering to take a final look back as there wasn't really any point. The memories I wanted to keep had stopped accumulating six months previously.
The driver acknowledged my request with a nod of his head and shifted the car into gear. No words were necessary and I was glad that I was offered none. The stereo was on, tuned to a local station and a song was fading out - I forget which - only to be replaced with one I was familiar with.
The journey to the station passed quickly and I just sat listening to Freddy Mercury singing his goodbye. The song's lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear, and although I was saying farewell to a place where I'd spent half my life the message I took from that song was one of hope and promise for the future. I was smiling.
At that time of night there was little traffic on the roads but the song finished before we reached the station. We rode the rest of the way in silence.
I can't imagine what I looked like as I stood on the platform waiting for the train to take me to my new life, with a green bag at my side and golf clubs over my shoulder, but I do know that the smile didn't leave my face that evening. The things that had happened in the past - the good and the bad - didn't matter anymore. I wouldn't forget them but there was no need to make myself remember them any more, because as I'd just heard, these are the days of our lives.
People say goodbye in many ways. Freddy did it through a song; some people do it with a eulogy; others do it with flowers at a grave-side. I did it in a taxi on the way to the station.
And I'd like to thank that man for his silence, as it was the best thing he could have said to me.